#i also can't get mirroring to work
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Tomorrow I will model a chair in blender. I can do it I will persevere and learn 3d modeling 🪑< this guy will be real
#mort.txt#I'm trying rn but im too medicated. i lost my vertice for a support bar inside a block and idk how to get it out#i also can't get mirroring to work#idk i remembered i had got a 50$ blender rigging program 4 free when they had the bday advent calander#n i need to use it#i will not make another donut. you can't make me. goal 1 is a chair goal 2 is a lamppost.#i believe in myself that i can make both of those armed only with the hotkey cheat sheet
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Go play pretend on your own (Patreon)
#Doodles#Helix#Dexter Favin#Coraline#The Beldam#The other side of this coin <3 Call him out but this time make it unfriendly hehe#I talked last time about the daring rescue!! I do love the daring rescue in Coraline AUs ah same thing with the Camp Camp Coraline AU haha#Burst in through the door! Those poor hinges!#It is a bit funny imagining him crawling through the tunnel in a hurry and kicking the doors open all winded haha <3#It's all very serious of course Max needs help! Stuck behind the mirror from disobeying perhaps?#I was pretty hard on him last time that he'd just Immediately give up his soul for cheap tricks but like - would he?#Yes he's reckless and foolish but he's also stubborn and prideful and hates being told what to do so there's that lol#Which does he want more! The high or his freedom to refuse? I could see it going either way#And for Dex's sake I would hope he'd refuse! As if he hasn't suffered enough eye trauma (eventually)#Ough the thought of him starting to say yes and getting one button eye in and then rescinding his yes ouch#Doomed to have one eye no matter where he goes ah 💔#Anyway - Dex!!! Watch I'll make another one with the ideas mentioned here and then talk about more ideas in those tags pft#Since agreeing with him didn't work how about shaming? ''Go away you're no better''#She really is going hard on him like ''What's your angle? You get him back and then what? Will that actually fix anything?''#Very much pulling from Dexter's meetings with Max at the Institute there hhhhhh as if I needed more feelings about it#Eco_Mono did such a beautiful job playing Dex - so much to consider hehe - but there was one question that I can't stop thinking about#''Why would you want him back?'' and Dexter didn't really have much of an answer - he was barely more than a concept at the time!#Having had the opportunity to see his character grow into himself has given me Such brainworms about that question ♥♪��#Very want to explore it <3#In the meanwhile it's fun to pit these two against each other haha what an odd matchup ♪#I've only barely drawn the Beldam before now that I think of it! And I think only in her final metal-spidery form never in her mid form here#She's fun :D And so tall! Dexter finally feeling small for a change haha#Her having to fight adult selfishness would be quite interesting I think - something tinged with but not quite the same as loyalty#She can relate to the possessiveness at least hehe I'm sure he'd appreciate the comparison
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BAD BUDDY EP 1 OUR SKYY 2 BAD BUDDY EP 1
#i don't really have a quote for this one but instead a series of observations because I Am Just Like This#this is another set of not exactly mirrored parallels#but in a really fun way#the ep 1 interaction happens after the fight where they settle the current issue between their faculties#the os2 interaction happens after the 'fight' that has set off some bad blood between the faculties#like pat mentions over lunch he can't give up the auditorium now because it's a matter of pride#not his pride but his faculty's#the first punch hit pat because it was the first time patpran had been conspiring together in 3 years#the new one happened because pran is focused on the work they both have to do#'it was not the time to be lovey-dovey' because he was thinking work#(also why he pushes pat away from the mosquito net kiss)#(if they start being lovey dovey now they're not going to get anything done and pran knows it)#the first one ends with pat walking away after a bit of teasing from pran after they share a moment#the new one ends with pat walking away after a bit of teasing from pran because their moment was ruined#but the one similarity#'happy now?' both of them ask#and both times the answer is 'kind of. but it's not enough. not yet'#parallels my beloved#bad buddy#bad buddy brain rot#bad buddy series#our skyy 2#our skyy bad buddy#kk.gifs#pdribs#uservid
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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*Trigger warning for eating disorder talk*
I hate how whenever I eat anything my brain is like "You should kill yourself. Now." Like what's your fucking problem
#tw ed#it's like bitch the body needs nutrients to function. idiot. that's how flesh vessels work. what are you an alien?#but my brain is always like 'booo you are a disgusting ugly bitch and as a punishment you can't eat at all tomorrow.'#like...ok then. i guess.#the funny thing is that it's also like two people fighting because like i hate what i see in the mirror from both sides#like one part of me is like 'ahhh we are far too skeletal it looks kinda creepy and Not Good'#and the other is like 'wow ew we're so disgusting and big and our bones aren't visible enough. what would our family say?'#so there's like no winning at all because if i don't eat one side will get mad and refuse to look in the mirror#and if i do eat the other side will go into total hysterics and I'll have to sleep completely covered up and will have to avoid#all mirrors because it will completely distort our perception of ourselves and will claim changes that aren't there and it will#force me not to eat for a day or two and probably also to walk everywhere#it also sucks because i think not eating enough might be contributing to me feeling so shallow and fatigued and disinterested in everything#but i have no idea because I don't know how many calories I'm actually getting#and it's really Bad™ for me to count because I'm a little bit too competitive and my brain has historically always made it#a challenge to eat as few calories as possible. because I'm insane and treat literally everything as a competition that i have to win
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.
#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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this season of ted lasso saying sam should forgive racists who vandalized the restaurant and then you know, dropping anything to do with that storyline immediately afterwards
and the saying jamie should forgive his abusive father bc hating him apparently isn’t good for him or whatever
doesn’t feel great tbh
#ted lasso#like yes absolutely tbf for some people spending that energy hating their abuser doesn't work#and they ultimately decide to forgive for themselves which i get is what they were advocating for#in his and ted's convo#but it's also like i don't even think jamie HAS had a lot of hatred bc so much of the time has been trying to prove himself to his father#and with sam they had that weird bit like 'oh we'll keep the broken mirrors bc it doesn't have to be perfect'#bc he was so concerned about everything being just right with the restaurant like...this was not that#could've kept the mirrors sure but not comparing it to the issue from earlier like....it was intended to be a violent attack#and then ya know. just never mentioned again all wrapped up apparently bc he chose to let it go#which hey they can absolutely go the route of sam choosing to let it go but that doesn't mean the problem is gonna go away#it's just like the whole thing i get forgiveness is a big part of the show but these are two things that i just don't love to see#though at least with jamie they've dedicated a good amount of the show to that particular issue and it's not so with sam#and they gave so much to colin's story line?? which has been pretty well done ofc but they were really like#sam gets a single episode and it's all wrapped up in the end bye like WHAT#ik with so many characters they can't devote the same amount of time to everyone but like....they should've done better for sam#and now there's only one ep left so ya know. i thought they might come back to it but they did not
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Sharing DND thoughts
So I'm working on a quest idea to play with family(cause they're like the only people I can actually play with for a number of reasons), and I had a sneaky thought
Quest involves them exploring a dark forest, named The Dark Forest, in pursuit of this mysterious creature
Forests mean I can use hags
Hags are cunning and manipulative
Knowing that, and knowing my brother, I fully believe I can trick him into being a tad suspicious of his party members for like a session or two before I reveal the hag
Which I think would be fun
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#random thoughts#my thoughts#Also does anyone else work on the villain speech in the shower before they've even finished early quest details?#Like just trying to come up with cool lines#And a fitting voice#Currently got a big theme on destiny going#Dude is obsessed with preventing a prophesized dragon from being born because it'll burn his cursed forest and replace him as ruller#But he can't prevent this cause he's trapped in a mirror thanks to a botched curse#I'm getting real egotistical vibes from the guy#Also also weird things#I came up with a cool as heck line#But I'm just in the shower so that's just funny timing#Me in the shower:#Deeper then normal voice:#“I only am the master of fate!”
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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I've been playing a lot of Hades lately, and I love the game as much as I did a few years ago when I last binged it, but I do have a small complaint. I wish less of the 'plot' was clearly meant to take place before you "beat" the game by getting past the last boss 10 times.
Like it's so obvious that around 30-40% of the plot is MEANT to take place before you even REACH said boss for the first time, and another 40-ish takes place between then and getting ten complete runs.
Only the remaining 25-ish percent is either nebulous or generic enough to take place at ANY time, or explicitly after "beating" the game.
Just as an example, judging by what she says in the conversation that unlocks Meg's hearts and allows you to continue befriending and/or romancing her, her unlock condition is literally just having Alecto and Tisiphone in the game. I'm not sure WHAT condition they have for first appearing (reaching the final boss once maybe?) but I've literally NEVER gotten to the point where Meg is locked before her sisters appear. Or even before "beating" the game.
I've also NEVER reunited any of the estranged pairs in this game prior to beating it, even though it seems like you CAN (and at least in the case of Orpheus & Eurydice, are probably expected to) do so before then. And I know that some of the "summons" are initially locked since the people you're calling for help CAN'T defy Hades, but again, the only one I've ever gotten in time use against him before that restriction is lifted is Skelly's, who WILL come anyway. I guess that's on me for trying to raise everyone roughly equally with nectar instead of favoring anyone. Skelly and Charon usually end up ahead just because they run out of dialogue and I want more from them.
It's a really dumb and perhaps conceited thing to say, but I've gotten TOO good at the "early" game of Hades. The Pact of Punishment can kick my ass, but without it, or with only 1 or 2 restrictions that I'm decent at? From a completely new file, I can consistently REACH the final boss in 15 runs, beat him at least once in 25, and beat him 10 times in 45. And it's a lose-lose situation because I KNOW I'm missing a lot of dialogue that will either be gone forever or eventually crop up way late and hilariously out of place (Zag, you're really bemoaning to Achilles about killing live vermin NOW, after you've done so at least 20 times before?), OR I have to deliberately lose, which... bothers me.
The bulk of the GAMEPLAY for this game is post-game, due to chipping away at the Pact and raising the heat with all your weapons. But the bulk of the STORY takes place before that, and if you go too fast you either miss out on a lot or get some really jarring dialogue at times. As much as I love this game, that discrepancy bothers me.
#hades game#hades#for the record that run claim and count is going off of ONE death defiance.#i've done two 'full' games lately. the first I managed to 'beat' the game in 30 runs. but afterward i felt unsatisfied#i felt like i'd blazed through it so i wanted a slower experience to get more dialogue#in my second attempt... i managed to delay my victory by 10 more runs. and had all the reunion sidequests under way but not done.#also worth noting in that second attempt i DID deliberately die to every new miniboss and boss of an area ONCE.#this is absolutely a game i WISH i could forget completely and experience blind again#because i can't help that i KNOW how the major enemies fight. or which weapons and boons and upgrades work well.#but i'm too competitive to sabotage myself and choose BAD things for no reason (i'll choose them for the fated list of course)#i swear if/when i do a fresh run of this game i'll just. have to ignore the mirror for as long as possible#that's the only way to extend my runs without outright letting enemies kill me
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Was gonna sleep in. Instead woke up randomly at 5 am and have been writing a fix it steddyhands fic since then
I work in like. six hours. I have gotten maybe four hours sleep. Today is a double shift day that'll have me working bit late into the night.
This is fine.
#text post#i want to go back to sleep for a bit but#first gonna make sure i have this draft in a place i can pick it up again to finish later#get up and maybe hit the bathroom to see how my hair looks post sleep lol#to figure out if Housemate and I need to do any additional hair cutting later to even the current cut out#there's also a bunch of finale related posts i wanna reblog to my vent blog#bc those are all mostly going there now since even with anon off ppl can't behave which isn't surprising but also#god im tired can i just be allowed my complex and to my own frustration occasionally conflicting emotions abt this show#that hit literally all my special interests and mirrored my own traumas in such a huge way as to make me work on parts of myself#id previously resigned to just shoving in the box in my head#apparently the answer is no so. private vent blog gets those reblogs#and this blog will get a more neutered and rare set of reblogs abt the finale if any#and way more fix it fic and focusing on what i do still appreciate abt the show and of course me posting abt izzy lol#that's never going away lmao so if it bugs you that i still love and post abt him just unfollow and block me lmaooo#how you wouldn't have already by this point is boggling if it actually bugged anyone that much but#i digress im tired and should try and get back to sleep. maybe dream up more for this latest fic draft
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identity crisis
#random thoughts#oh fuck. okay#so. i don't know if i like the name credence anymore. i love how it's spelled but then#it's so weird to pronounce. i can't get over it#you know..... crispin..... that shit works#if someone tried calling me crispin i don't know if i'd be up to it but it's probably better than#me whispering the name in the mirror to myself occasionally.#fuck me.#anyway. we can all thank my brother for calling me crispin biscuits. whatever that shit is the name sounds better than credence#also. agh. in suffering. my stomach has been killing me for like. two hours#i was supposed to make my bed a while ago but now i'm procrastinating. hng#you know. i was happy to find credence. it feels good#but it's sort of like a toxic friendship? i don't want to let go#this is. this is hurting me more. oh fuck#shouldn't be so indecisive. i am fine#sorry to worry you loves. i'll try not to fuck up that fitted sheet thing now instead of continuing to type
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quil. how much art did you have in your drafts.
there's actually still two left, but those are empires pieces and I'm not active in empiresblr so they can sit a little longer.
But! I like to leave long tags on everything I reblog (because I love reading tags, so I want to give that experience to the op) and I don't always have the time/energy to do that when I see cool art, so I just stockpile it in my drafts to be tagged and compliment and unleashed on the world when I do have the time/energy!
I don't reblog nearly as much art as I'd like to, so this is a newer method that I'm trying out :). We'll see if it's up to my standards!
#quil's queries#camelspit#also it was only 7 pieces! not too bad!#also I know i could do empty reblogs. this is just how I choose to do it#because I really like to compliment people. but doing so means I can't compliment as many people because it takes more time#hang on i'm getting distracted trying to justify fewer reblogs because I leave tags#*looking in a mirror* quil do you feel guilty about not being able to support everyone in the world and like you need to justify#how you've chosen to support them according to your capabilities and preferences?#and are you trying to make up for the feeling that you're not using your popularity and online presence properly?#and are benefiting from the exposure of having a bigger blog yourself without giving#enough of that back to the very community and platform that support you? and using your presence to bring attention to#and support others?#quil cut that out you're not required to give all of yourself and are doing what you can. there's always room for improvement#but you are trying and making the effort to improve and support people and share their work and efforts#and you have other responsibilities too. so maybe you could compliment and reblog a lot more. but you're human#and you have to balance. stop feeling guilty#okay cool we're good ignore the talking to myself in the third person to therapy through an unexpected bout of guilt#everything's fine now#anyway! yeah I had some art stored for when I had the mind to compliment and share them :)
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My internet has been investigated by a professional.
There might be something weird with the big cables (to quote the guy: the "inner-pair" and "outer-pair" of the eight-cables are of different lengths, but by all accounts still work just fine), but my own equipment has at least passed (no extra-fine for crying wolf for me).
The weird stability-thing continues to be weird. And current test is for them to switch my internet-provider (internet-provider has a use-contract with the cable-operators, who are the ones investigating) over the weekend. See if the problem is on that end.
It's possible that this is the case (at which point I guess I'll try to switch permanently), or that it's that weird cable-length resulting in the problem (which is... a whole different can of worms).
#also. after a full week with only paracetamol. i'm back on naproxen (self-decided) after sending an update to my doctor#(basically amounting to ''you do know that this spine-pain never actually goes away on its own. right?'')#(with an addition about how paracetamol doesn't even really do anything for me. as far as pain-reduction goes.)#(but yeah. the pain builds up over time. sometimes very little time is needed. but giving it more time isn't gonna make it go away)#(i know this bcs it took me EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS to get these pills in the first place. and they were the only things that helped.)#(you think i didn't try other pain-meds before that? you think i didn't try to exercise? you think i didn't change my sleep-posture?)#(i had eight months. i bought an entirely new fucking bed. i slept in a fucking hammock. i tilted my bed. i tried sleeping sitting up.)#(until naproxen? NOTHING FUCKING WORKED. and at this point... if i get heart-issues ten years from now?)#(at least i've had lived a comfortable life up until that point. and there's heart-medicine that can probably keep me going even longer)#bcs her most recent attempt at ''fixing my medication'' is effectively to tell me to close my eyes and make a wish#which isn't really a viable option. ''but exercise-...'' ''i've said MULTIPLE TIMES that exercise has never had an impact''#sure. exercises from the physiotherapist might have different results. but after a full month of them? no sign of those results.#and after one week off my pills (reduced)? i was sleeping in shifts (from back-pain) and struggling to stand straight#and my flexibility was so ruined that i suddenly remembered why i learned to never turn in my seat when reversing the car#(bcs i can't fucking move like that. moving like that is impossible. look in the mirrors. hope for the best)#so yeah. back on my pills. and my doctor can fight me over it. once they get around to reading my message.#won't stop me from doing the exercises. bcs let's face it i probably need them for other reasons. but yeah.#personal stuff#rants
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why is there just one guy who gets to keep all the memories over here. like can I have some of those
#like. seems kinda important doesn't it#emiltalk#ooobvi like I get it I get it. but like there are just like. Very Notable Facts about me that I just don't get to know about ig#like sometimes I think about maybe getting checked for psychosis or smn in that ballpark#but every time I'm like nahhh I'm just making it up I just wanna feel special#but this last time I was granted the tasty little tidbit of. that time in high school I had a Divine Vision of an Orb#and I worshipped it and prayed to it for like. at least a year#like Huh. maybe you could've told me that a little bit sooner#literally had a whole prophet arc and that just. wasn't important enough for me to get in orientation#can't put that in my little folder. I see how it is#LOL anyway <3#you would've thought the telepaths stuff and the ears stuff and the bathroom stuff etc etc would've been enough to tip me off also#but like. etou-- bleh 🫳😜🫲#< the work of a true visionary btw. hindered only by there not being a mirrored version of that hand
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parker casting assassin's approach 🤝 arthur casting unseen form. two sides of the sneakery coin. together they can become totally undetectable
#the nemesis speaks#mv liveblog#mv er#NO WAIT THIS LINES UP SO WELL ACTUALLY. this makes me happy. arthur getting sellian sorceries to mirror the confessor stuff#i'm thinking now that i want arthur's starting spell kit to be a little more expansive than in canon. like he starts with more than one#no heavy hitters. maybe no damaging spells at all?#i don't think he ever gets access to the big sorceries like comet azur etc tbh#but. lucidity starlight and unseen form are all such good utilities i feel like he'd have them on hand even before death#maybe he forgets them in the beginning and then remembers as time goes on?#i want him to have lucidity at least from the beginning tho. and that's carian so it fits#ALSO. re: the thing this post was actually about. these are personal buffs that can't be co-op'd BUT they work on torrent#so there is precedent for being able to buff more than one creature with them. you just have to be really fucking close i guess#they CAN share 👍
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